Lately, it seems that all doors are closing. I'm not sure why, but none the less they are closing. One by one. Doors that I have waited to walk through and some that I walked through, but now must walk out of... closed. I am in a hallway with door after door slamming shut...
When I was just 13 years old, I realized that God had a plan for my life. I feared deeply that it would be a mission field somewhere in Africa. My guess is someday I will end up there briefly because God definitely has a sense of humor! I digress. At any rate, I knew there was a plan. There was a feeling deep down inside that told me I was created for a purpose. Eventually, when I outgrew my egocentric self a bit, I realized He has a purpose for everyone.
While on my path of rebellion, shame, guilt and pain, I heard Him clearly calling to me to get back on that path of obedience so that I could fulfill that purpose. One Sunday morning I got up, dressed my little boy and headed down that path. I literally got in the car with no particular place in mind and drove. I passed a church where the people were just going in to service and I pulled in. I sat in the pew in the back and repented. I have no idea what the choir sang or the preacher preached, but I can tell you for sure that was the day things changed.
In a matter of months, I was back in college and met my man(again!). We were married 2 months later and my adventure kicked in high gear. There were 3 children between us and within 3 years there were 4. I was a mom, wife and active church member of our local church(the one I just happened to walk into one Sunday morning). I loved VBS, children's choir and all that it entailed. The Lord moved us to Georgia and began to tug at my heart about working with women at church. I didn't even know there was a name for it at that point, but after a visit to our pastor's office I knew it was exactly where I needed to be. We started a Women's Ministry at our church and it grew quickly. It was fun, fulfilling, many times trying, but above all it was my "spot". I was comfortable and enjoying my "spot" right up until my world was dumped on its head.
My hunny was deployed and then he returned 14 months later. He felt we needed to move back to Alabama and I was learning a new word... submission. So we moved back and he wanted to go to the church I grew up in. I wasn't happy, but remember that new word from God's Word... submission. I felt very lost. I left behind dear friends, coworkers and family that I came to know and love during those years in Georgia. There was no place for me in this church. The women had a director. I searched for a new place. I even worked at creating a way to connect people to the things they wanted to do, but it just didn't work.
So here I sit... 4 years later... awake at midnight... cannot sleep... cannot stop wondering what is going on. Where do I go from here? What is it that I am suppose to do? My mom used to always tell me that I couldn't save the world. I would laugh and tell her that I most certainly could! I would drag entire families home for dinner or strangers I met in the campground. I was all of 5 at this time. There were hungry people and we had food. Problem solved... right?! As a mom, now I get why she wasn't exactly ecstatic at the idea of 1-5 more people spontaneously for dinner!
Today, I am not feeling that way. I am feeling very much that I cannot save the world or even my corner of it. As discouragement creeps in and my eyes fill with tears, I know that I am not really anyone's savior so please don't misconstrue my words. Jesus Christ is the one and only Savior. I just love Him so much and want to share Him with the world, so that they might love Him too. I just don't have a door to walk through to do that... or even a window to crawl out of or even the light from the crack in the next door.
I read a picture on facebook that said learn to praise him in the hallway while you wait on the door to open. Here I stand in the hallway. Waiting on the Holy God to open a door, illuminate the next tile in this journey I am on, or to feel the breeze creeping in under the window sill as it begins to crack. I feel alone. I feel like there is no use for me. I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I am so glad that I don't have to depend on my feelings, but that I can depend on God's Word. Because no matter how I feel... His Word says he has a plan(Jer. 29:11). I can do whatever He has for me(Phil 4:13). He loves me(John 3:16). He is here with me(Matt 28:20). No matter how I feel... His Word>how I feel!